I spent the morning in court for an infraction that occurred January 30, 2008 at approximately 9:55am. I won't go into the details of the incident except to assure you that I am TOTALLY innocent. I went to traffic court last month and decided to plead not guilty (because I am TOTALLY innocent) and my trial date was set for today. I learned some valuable lessons that I thought I would pass on to the rest of you, should you ever need it.
1. Be unattractive.
2. Don't be attractive.
3. Bring a book so you don't have to converse with any of the repeat offenders standing in line with you. I recommend Stephen Colbert's I Am America and So Can You because there are a lot of flags on the cover. Also, it has the word "America" in it. That will make you look patriotic.
4. If someone does try to strike up a conversation with you, say, "I didn't come here to make friends! I came here to win!"
5. Dress like you are innocent, not like you are guilty. Use this as a guide:
Dangly earrings=innocent, pearl earrings=guilty
Jeans=innocent, slacks or skirt=guilty
Tie-dyed shirt=innocent, white blouse=guilty
Stilletos or sneakers=innocent, flat dress shoes=guilty
Backpack=innocent, purse/briefcase=guilty
6. Make sure the officer who issued you the bogus ticket doesn't show up. He could greatly damage your case.
7. Make sure TWO officers don't show up to testify against you. This could eliminate any hope you ever had of winning your case.
8. Make sure your testimony is completely inaudible and inarticulate. Then the judge will assume you are not guilty you will be sentenced to watch a movie called "Smashed."
I hope this has been helpful. I was able to get my $150 ticket reduced to a mere $145. Look at me beatin' the system! All I had to do was go to court twice and be humiliated in a room full of people being charged with DUI's and possession and underage driving (or all three).
So the judge found me at fault and it was not worth it at all. Lesson for me: if two cops say you did something, the judge will believe it. Even if you are TOTALLY innocent.
Gnomies
3 days ago
14 Wisecracks:
oh, c'mon. Can't we have some of the juicy details!
Seriously! I want to know what happened too! I think you have far too many curious (read: nosey) readers to think that you could get away with "not boring us with the details..."
And I also want to clarify that you were, in fact, wearing a dress shirt, skirt/slacks and flat dress shoes. :)
Oh yeah- I am sorry about the totally lame expensive ticket. Ted had one of those too...
Let me just say that anyone who would tailgate while driving between two police cars is an idiot. I am not an idiot and am, therefore, TOTALLY innocent.
There were a lot of homeless people there. I felt overdressed.
This reminds me of my day in court. The judge yelled at a girl in line for chewing gum. Then when it was this girl's turn, the judge told her to go put on a shirt with sleeves and come back. As the judge was saying how her appearance showed disrespect, the girl pops in another piece of gum and starts a-smackin' away! I think that could go on your 'not to do' list! Way to go getting it reduced :)
Sounds to me like you were being framed. They must have had absolutely nothing going on so felt like picking on the cute red-head. Little did they know, that cute red head could also be a fiesty one. Glad it worked out and saved you $5.
Wow! The next time you see Rob, ask him to tell you about the cop who pulled him over for speeding on 264, claiming he was going 85 miles per hour. Funny since the cruise control was set at 72. The guy finally finally admitted he wasn't actually clocking him, that he thought he just looked like he was going 85 and really he was getting too hot sitting in the median and wanted an excuse to get out of the sun. Fortunately the guy realized his claims were totally bogus and was too embarrassed to even try to give him a ticket.
Greg goes in next month for a speeding ticket, I will pass along your great wisdom!
Together we will overcome the evil traffic court!
That was jeans and a tie-dyed t-shirt right?? Should we add flip flops to complete the ensemble??
HA!
I need your email address, we're going private.
cakiggins@yahoo.com
DUDE!!! Note to self, never drive behind two police officers. How frustrating all for $5, but it made for a great blog entry!
NEVER go to traffic court. just pay the money. those people think their jobs are so important. c'mon, like you were trying to get in on what the police cars were doing. didn't want to lose them and their totally interesting lead, so you tail gate. nerds.
I'm so glad you have a blog. We don't live near each other, but you can still make me laugh every day!
So what did you do with your precious five dollars?
I'm pretty sure I paid at least $5 in parking for both court dates combined.
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