That's a little game we used to play in college. (Not quite as popular as "Would You Rather . . ?" or "I Never . . ., " but more fun than Jeff's favorite game: "Would You Be Mad If . . . ?") I was reminded of this game a couple of days ago when I was playing "airplane" with Miles and he threw up on my face. Threw up. On my face. I started to scream and, well, that just made things worse. It was by far the most disgusting thing that has ever happened to me in my six years of being a mom. But it's just one item on a long list of nasty surprises that accompany motherhood.
I've believed for many years that there is a conspiracy among mothers. There are far too many things no one tells you before you become a mom. One reason may be that these nasty surprises are just forgotten. I think the reason mothers don't tell you what you can expect is because they want grandchildren.
For example, why didn't anyone tell me that three months after I had a baby my hair would start falling out in clumps? And that three months after that, tiny baby hairs would begin to show up around my hairline?
And then my new hairline would create a phenomenon I have come to refer to as "Dentist Elf Hair."
I'm putting together a list of things no one told me so that one day I can hand it to Chloe. I will do this out of love, of course. And she will be so appreciative. Hopefully it will go better than this:
P.S. I love my kids. And my husband.
17 Wisecracks:
That Desperate Housewives clip was hilarious! My Mom actually warned me about some of the not-so-fun moments (besides saying "I wish you have children just like you!" with a vengeance). She said that when the baby has diarrhea and I'm up every 15 minutes at night changing a diaper exhausted, I need to remember that this was the happily ever after that I CHOSE. :) Such love.
I want to know how there are flecks of a fecal-like substance on the ceiling of my nursery. How?!
You and I are on the same page. Just last night I pulled my hair up and I said to Travis, "Why do I STILL have these stupid baby hairs?! Lyla is almost 18 months old and these hairs are only like 4". Too short to pull back!! I wanted them gone before the summer." Hair grows an average of 1/2" a month, but I think someone forgot to tell the baby hairs to grow that fast.
I love that show. Hilarious scene, and oh so true.
That made me laugh so hard, I love where she says "You'll be lonely, but you'll never be alone". Uh, yeah! My hair did that same thing after Abbey. I cut bangs, thinking I could hide the two inch hairs growing straight up. The girl who did my hair thought I had cut it myself, there was so much. But then I totally had Dentist Elf Hair. Ah...motherhood.
ROFL. That is all I have to say. ROFL. Seriously.
Welcome to the vomit in the face club! Isn't it AWESOME! I've typed up a similar blog post and let it languish for years. Mostly because it sounded bitter and not funny at all! And I love the clip - Ricky was only mildly amused.....mostly because he's heard it from me waaaaaay too many times.
You are most excellent.
Gross! That hasn't happened to me (knock on wood) BUT my eldest did manage to puke right IN my brother's mouth. Did I mention that my brother is THE biggest germaphobe ever? Funniest thing ever.
And I agree. No one tells you anything about babies and motherhood. I remember when they first handed Aidan to me in the hospital. The nurse didn't speak English very well and went over a whole list of things I was supposed to know (which I didn't understand) and then left. I was like, "Um... what do I do now?" And can someone PLEASE tell me why no one ever mentioned the after pains to me?! Talk about cruel.
Guess we just assumed you knew it came with the territory. Also, getting a way younger baby brother should have prepared you a little bit - guess I made it look too easy.:) Didn't your hair fall out with the other two?
You might want to save that list for Chloe until AFTER you're already a grandma!
My hair did fall out with the other two. I'm saying I wasn't warned the first time it happened. You definitely made it look too easy, but so did my sisters so I'm not blaming you entirely. Also, I never had to potty train Aaron or clean up his throw up at 2am. That's why we're still friends.
Hilarious!!!
I love reading your posts!!! You make me laugh so hard.
(but really, the throw up part makes me cry for you. that is sick!!)
I knew it!
Bridget has only puked once in her life - in a hotel room in North Carolina. Jealous much? We just left it there and went on with our lives. Suckas!
Both you words and the video were so totally right on. Love it, thanks for putting it into words.
This is making me think of the days when my kids were your kids' age and how much time I spent on the phone with Mom and Nicole (ancient times, before fast computers and blogs). Maybe if I had called you instead, you would have been warned? Sooooo much vomit. And poo.
Well I can only imagine what I have to look forward to, since I already have a phenomenon I like to call dentist-elf-hair and I have also already had a baby throw up in my mouth! So is it possible it can go up hill from here?? I'll hold my breath...
Heather, those things are just the tippy top of the iceberg. Two words: potty training.
Oh, I love your blog. Thanks for making me smile so big.
The motherhood/pregnancy secret - It totally is a conspiracy!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Needed that healthy dose of reality and truth to help me shake off the "It should be..." moments.
Love seeing the world through your bars on the cage!
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